Peace on campus: APSCUF and Administration vow never to speak to each other again

Dr. Mash has resolved to a vow of silence in order to keep the peace on campus. Photo Credit / A Talented Editor
Dr. Mash has resolved to a vow of silence in order to keep the peace on campus. Photo Credit / A Talented Editor

Dr. Mash has resolved to a vow of silence in order to keep the peace on campus.
Photo Credit / A Talented Editor

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By Someone who isn’t buying the “truce”

Dr. Ken Mash announced a truce between APSCUF, the faculty union, and the ESU administration on Monday.

“We have decided it is in the best interest of our students to no longer communicate with the administration at all,” Mash said.

It seems that after months of deliberation and getting nowhere, both parties decided this was the best solution.

“At our fabulous university the best relationship between the administration and our faculty is no relationship at all,” President Welsh said.

ESU students found the news to be a “relief,” claiming it was about time the two arguing parties called it quits.

“We believe in ESU, but we never believed those two would actually work it out,” said Student Senate President Justin Amann.

From this day forward, APSCUF will work independently from the administration and deal with the things they know best: tenure for professors, PowerPoints, and lecturing to a bunch of students who are not listening to a word they say.

“We fought long and hard for the rights of our professors, and that’s all that matters,” said Nancy VanArsdale.

It’s safe to say no more retrenchments at ESU.

As far as the administration goes, they will take ownership of robbing alumni of their money, managing the university, mediating the press, and not knowing when to call a snow day.

Because of the separation of powers agreed upon by both parties, every professor now has tenure, and Welsh ordered the press to forever be banned from the ESU campus.

The only party permitted to overrule decisions is the ESU student body.

“Snow days every day, and free beer for everyone,” said Brandon Younkin, President of the Interfraternity council.

That being said it’s safe to say ESU students will reign over the campus and have complete power of both parties — as it should be.

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