Note to our readers: The “news” on this page is a result of creative collaboration with the editorial board, and is not to be taken seriously.
By A Devastated “The Stroud Courier” Editor
“The Stroud Courier” received the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Education (PASSHE) award for the least circulated student newspaper of all 14 universities on Wednesday.
The news came after unread copies of the paper were collected and unceremoniously burned in the courtyard outside the ESU student union in an effort to heat the frosty campus.
“Our budget problems here at ESU are essentially solved now,” said President of the Student Senate Justin Amann.
“We will continue to use unread copies of the newspaper to heat all the buildings on campus.”
The paper’s editorial board took the news hard, and barricaded themselves inside their office with several staff writers as hostages.
“We’re not coming out until they let us keep our publications!” shouted the clearly unhinged Editor-in-Chief Valentina Caval through the office’s glass door.
Behind her several members of the editorial board hoisted chair legs as makeshift weapons.
“Once we can convince the staff to open the door, we will have much more fuel for the fires in their archived editions,” said ESU Spokeswoman Brenda Friday.
On average, only about 100 of the 1200 copies of “The Stroud Courier” see circulation, though most students report that those copies are only taken by the editorial board for their precious portfolios.
The rest of the unaccounted for issues are reportedly taken to use as toilet paper when the various dorm bathrooms start running low on the commodity.
“It’s my precious!” shouted Managing Editor Victoria Krukenkamp while sitting inside a ring of the paper’s spring 2013 edition that reported the Boston Marathon Bombings.
Krukenkamp reportedly wrote several detailed articles for that issue, though no student or faculty member could confirm.
Arts & Entertainment Editor Brook Wadle was not among the board members barricading the office.
“I guess you could say that I did see this coming,” said Wadle during the melee.
“I tried to help them as best I could, but they were just so unrealistic in their expectations. They started with delusions of grandeur before they even knew how to write the budget—which they still don’t really know how to do.”
Loyal to her unraveled friends, Wadle refused to comment any further, hoping that the situation would resolve itself.
Staff writer John Reed was released early from the hostage situation—traded for a six copies of “The New York Times,” two copies of “The Pocono Record,” and three orders of chocolate dippers from Pizza Hut.
Upon his release, Reed attempted to help authorities disseminate the situation.
“We were not that concerned for our safety,” said Reed.
“They’ve always been a little strange, so this isn’t really that unexpected. All you need to do is distract either Val or Vicky with APSCUF news and this whole thing will be over.”
ESU Police Chief Robin Olson took the writer’s advice and requested that APSCUF Chapter President Dr. Nancy VanArsdale draft a fake press release that would cause the two editors to salivate.
Shortly after VanArsdale sent the email, the editorial board raced from the office led by Caval and Krukenkamp. As directed, the board raced across campus and down Eeast Brown St. to ESU’s Innovation Center, where they were anxious to attend a fake press conference.
Instead, the editors were directed to a temporary psychiatric ward that was quickly constructed on the center’s second floor.
Following their mandatory 72-hour hold, the editors will be reviewed for release on a case-by-case basis.
All hostages were released unharmed, and all archived copies of “The Stroud Courier” were collected to be used as fuel to fan the flames.
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