Note to our readers: The “news” on this page is a result of creative collaboration with the editorial board, and is not to be taken seriously.

BY A FITNESS ENTHUSIAST

We all know her.  Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays this courier from the swift completion of her appointed round.  Like a mailman.

She’s Scooter Lady, and we’ve all seen her making her way around campus.  We even have a hashtag for her.

This fitness enthusiast is as much a staple of the ESU community as the contention between the faculty union and the administration, but who is she really?

In an undercover operation, “The Stroud Courier,” has discovered the true identity of Scooter Lady to be none other than President Welsh!

At first we followed Scooter Lady, hoping to find where she ended her route, but as soon as she turned off campus, we were unable to keep up with her as she weaved through the streets of East Stroudsburg.

An anonymous tip drove us to search the grounds surrounding the President’s house, where we found the scooter stowed in a hidden underground lair.

The lair attached to a tunnel which allows President Welsh to easily enter and exit campus un discovered.

Now, we knew who she was, but being good investigative journalists, we had to get confirmation.

When we confronted President Welsh, she denied our accusations vehemently, but as she stormed away she dropped one of her Sketchers Go-Walks and a piece of her Scooter Lady wig trailed from her purse.

So we devised a trap on Normal Street to catch President Welsh/Scooter Lady, and soon were able to confirm our suspicions.

After she was caught, Welsh was still hesitant to speak, but she finally admitted defeat and granted an exclusive interview to “The Stroud Courier” editorial board regarding her alter ego.

Welsh explained her disguise was an attempt to find some time to herself, but that she took her fitness quite seriously.

“I’ve worn the disguise because I do need some ‘me’ time,” said Welsh, “and I don’t need 2000 followers when I’m trying to stay fit.”

Email “The Stroud Courier” at:

stroudcourier@yahoo.com