By Laura Jean Null
I am afraid.
I’m afraid of not being good enough.
I’m afraid of being too much.
I’m afraid of giving my all and it all being shut down and taken away from me.
Want to know why I’m afraid?
Because life sucks, people suck, sometimes everything sucks. We put a lot of effort into things and in most cases, we get very little in return.
I’m afraid of that voice in my head, the conscience telling me I’m not going to make. It creeps and it crawls in the back of my mind like a spider. It bites me and the venom in me is fear and anxiety.
I’m afraid that I’ll get to the top and then just fall right back down.
This being completely and be squashed from the impact of gravity to the pavement of society.
Or even worse, I’m afraid I won’t even have the chance to make it to the second-place podium, let alone first.
Oh, and let me tell you how I have these irrational psychological fears of the dark.
My dreams are realistic and vivid to the point that every sensory detail in my brain and body is triggered and tricked into me believing its happening in real time.
And I’m not just afraid, but I am truly 100% terrified beyond commitment to fall in love with someone.
I promise you, the moment you care is the moment they win and stop.
I’m afraid of caring too much and loving too deeply.
When I do, I get ruined.
I’m afraid that when I try, I try too hard.
I’m afraid that I know I’m crazy for feeling too much and wanting to make everything right.
I’m afraid that when morning turns to dusks my thoughts get even more powerful.
Also, my emotions are capable of playing every scenario in my head.
It makes me question everything I stand for. I’m afraid when I trust science, but believe in a God.
More importantly, I’m afraid when I lose my faith, not just in religion, but in society and in myself.
I’m afraid that when I fight with someone, it’ll all be over and everything about that person’s life will disappear into the void of the web.
And with that, I’m afraid of being deleted from someone’s life.
If you’re gone from the web, you’re gone to them.
I’m afraid that mankind has given up on trying to be better, trying to explore, discover, create, innovate and be efficient.
And I’m afraid the earth will crumble and break down before I do.
However, the only difference is the earth won’t be as easy to repair.
I’m afraid of so much.
Sometimes the world is too much.
However, I’m not embarrassed or afraid to admit that I am human.
I’m not afraid to say these statements because I know at least one person has felt one of these fears.
And I’m not afraid of my fears because fears can and shall be conquered.
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