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BY AN EDM LOVER
The student union is getting a makeover. The building will become the new Pennsylvania headquarters for the Boston-based operation Barstool Sports.
“Since we are in the area so often,” said Barstool Sports President David Portnoy, “It just made sense for us to set up camp with our good ole buddies here at our favorite school, ESU.”
Though ESU is not officially affiliated with the company, the transition of the student union to the company’s headquarters does suggest a shift towards an official merger.
“If you can’t beat em, join em,” said Doreen Tobin, ESU’s Vice President for Student Affairs.
“The #1 Underrated Party School is the perfect place for Barstool operate,” said ESU Freshman Drinkin Ciroc. “I don’t know what took them so long to make the move.”
Rennovation plans for the union will begin immediately and are tentatively scheduled to be finished by April 1, 2014.
Some of the improvements will include a complete redesign to the bookstore, which will now only sell neon-colored clothing, only red-bull and vodka will be offered for sale at the coffee stand, and a 24 hour EDM rave in the student senate chambers.
Needless to say, admission to the student union now requireds a state issued ID and bracelets for those who are over 21.
Admissions has seen a drastic increase in applications from both transfer students and high school seniors.
“We’re expecting a 73 percent increase in enrollment for the Fall 2014 semester,” said Provost Van Reidhead. “This partnership will lead to the success of ESU. We just want to give the students what they want.”
Student retention will no longer be an issue as Barstool has promised to cover the cost of retaking any classes that a student fails.
“We just want to see the students succeed,” said Portnoy.
“I can’t wait to go to ESU,” said Easton High School senior Grayson Goose.
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