Spring semester cancelled

Note to our readers: The “news” on this page is a result of creative collaboration with the editorial board, and is not to be taken seriously.


Following Tuesday morning’s clipper, President Welsh announced that students no longer had any classes to try to get to in the middle of a snowstorm.

“Between the winter storms and the apathy of students, I have no choice but to cancel the rest of the semester,” said Welsh via twitter.

While some students immediately celebrated the news by packing up their parent’s cars and heading home to wait for summer, other students raised questions about what this will mean for them academically.

“I’m a big fan of not having to come to campus for classes in the snow,” said Verones Padilla, a communications studies major, “But what does this mean for my classes?  Am I going to get credit for them?”

In a press release, ESU spokeswoman Brenda Friday explained that the cancellation of the semester did not automatically grant credits to students, but rather forced students to attend an extra semester.

“I’m excited to announce that all the classes that the students were required to take this spring will be rescheduled for the fall semester, so graduating seniors can have one more summer break, and one more semester here on campus with us,” wrote Friday.

“Am I going to get my money back?” asked notorious cheapskate Victoria Krukenkamp.

Ken Long, ESU’s Vice-President for Administration and Finance explained that once the tuition payments had been finalized there was no method for refunding students’ money.

“Once we have your money—and we get that pretty quickly,” Long said, “We keep your money.”

President Welsh explained that for the fall semester there would be discounted rates on classes—for incoming students only.

“Since we will be seeing an increase in traffic on campus with all the graduating seniors coming back to finish their degree programs, we need to make sure there is still a draw for incoming freshmen,” said Welsh.

“Why wouldn’t you want to stick around?” asked Dr. Andrea McClanahan, “ESU is a wonderful place to be.”

The cancellation due to bad weather has become a relief to ESU’s budget crisis, as the school expects a 33 percent increase in enrollment for the Fall 2014 semester.

“We can really use that income,” said Long.

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